green death

If you want your eco-friendliness to continue into the afterlife, don’t be duped into buying one of these so-called “environmentally sympathetic” coffins. Yes, making coffins out of 60% recycled paper is a nice gesture, but the other 40% is just wood, albeit “sustainable.” Aren’t most coffins made of “wood from sustainable forests” anyway? The only true eco-friendly burial involves a 6-foot deep hole in the ground and a corpse. Putting the dead guy/gal inside a coffin deprives the soil of the fertilizing effect brought forth by the decaying of flesh, which releases nitrogen into the soil—nitrogen is absorbed by the roots of plants, aiding in chlorophyll synthesis, among other key plant life functions. Burying dead things (and people) outside of coffins is, literally, the greenest way to die—the body will decay naturally and help future plants grow. Plants, if you didn’t know, convert Carbon Dioxide to Oxygen, which helps curb global warming.


Being thrown into a pit and buried evokes imagery of mass-graves and mafia “hits” so endearing the public to old-school burial might be difficult. Ironically, cremation is more universally accepted. What’s more horrific than burning grandma in an oven? Cremation wastes any fertilizing potential of adead body—transforming it into useless ashes and air-polluting smoke.

There’s got to be a way to market old-school burial practices. Since nobody wants to see their loved one lowered into the gravesite naked, there’s huge marketing potential for burial clothing made from biodegradable fibers because your body won’t fertilize plants too well in a polyester leisure suit. Since bio-diesel is made from animal fat, why not add daddy to the mix? What if your dad was a car-guy? Wouldn’t he be thrilled to know his essence went aflame inside the combustion chamber of turbo-diesel Audi engine, enabling you to dust a hot-rodded Hyundai Tiburon at a stoplight?

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