Today’s lunch must have been really, really good. It was almost completely consumed without any hint of nausea amongst the participants despite an extensive conversation about elephant poop, and other unsavory topics. Poop, as in droppings, feces, excrement, stool, dung, etc, not the “raised cabins at the stern of an old sailing ship” as many English dictionaries would suggest.

The conversation began with Lainie gloating of a gift she received recently— a note pad made exclusively from odorless elephant poopoo. Yes, she really does have a note pad made out of elephant poop. At first, many of thought it was a really crappy idea, but the gimmick endeared us as we further examined the concept in a really scientific, intellectual manner. A couple of ideas for other elephant dung products were thrown around, most notably “Elephant Poo Toilet Paper”—a natural spin off of the elephant poo notebook, Elephant PooP Paper takes the concept full circle. Our number one tagline so far, is—from our elephant’s rear to yours.

Our conversation then moved briefly to the topic of a story of an unfortunate passenger of a transatlantic commercial flight who was forced to sit in the lavatory for the duration of the journey. Some exrpessed displeasure at his percieved “frivolous” pending multi-million dollar lawsuit, and others, tired of crummy airline customer service themselves, expressed their hopes the man would win the full settlement.

Following that sobering discussion, the conversation quickly flowed back to the elephant poop topic, at which point we collectively remembered an episode of a popular sensationalized nature show in which the show’s host drinks liquid from a watermelon-sized nugget of elephant dung as if squeezing a giant tea bag. It must be noted that, this tactic is only recommended in a survival situation, like if you were marooned in Africa with no beverages and nothing but steamy elephant turds lying around. Don’t try it any other time! Local zoos have beverage stands with the usual selection of soda pop, plus bottled water.

Then, we discussed how the same TV show host slept inside a Camel carcass on another episode. From then, the conversation moved in the obvious direction—you guessed it—to Han Solo’s (not Hans Olo, dammit) ingenious, albeit gruesome, life-saving heroics displayed in Star Wars Episode V: Empire Strikes Back, in which he saved Luke Skywalker from certain hypothermic death by encasing him inside a fresh-dead-and-still-warm Ton-Ton’s belly cavity.

Lunch was that good.

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